The Making of a Great Marriage - All About You

Hi Dear Hearts,

I'm here to offer tips for effective dating, and ultimately a great marriage. The key to a great marriage is a great you. If you would take time to discover who you are, what you're made of, and what you have to offer, you position yourself to receive what you deserve. A lot of what I've discovered came from people sharing with me what worked and what didn't work. I've listened carefully as relationship experts, as well as everyday people, explained timeless truths about the nature of a man and of a woman. Marriage is one of the greatest commitments one can make, yet with so much at stake, people often jump into it, or romantically "fall" into it. Can you afford to do so?

I see dating as a screening process. For me, it does not at all entail any sexual activity, holding hands, kissing, nor rolling on the floor. SMILE. Yes, my brothers and sisters, whether we give our children an alcoholic or anchorman for a parent, depends on who we choose. Pick one: A = the cheater, B = the pedophile, C = the drug addict, D = the butcher, E = the baker, or F = the candlestick maker. Believe that you are that powerful. One has a "right" to be an idiot and has the right to be of great character. Ma'am, what will be your children's last names? Sir, what woman will pick them up from school?

This exhortation is subtitled "All About You" because before getting involved, you are the only one you have control over. You can get your life in order and open the floodgate to receiving someone whole who complements your own wholeness. Discover who you are. How would you answer these questions?

1. What are your emotional needs (e.g., friendship, kindness, nonjudgmental compassion)?
2. Name 3 things you like about your mother (or primary caregiver). About you father.
3. What 3 things do you want to accomplish in the next 5 years?
For example, get a college degree or visit each continent.
4. How do you handle conflict/disagreements (fight, calmly confront, yell, shut down, cry, hit, drink, run away)?
5. Eating: Can you cook? Do you eat leftovers? Who will cook in your home?
6. Do you have a support system (Give-and-take relationships? Friends who want the best for you)?
7. What is your money personality (Are you a saver? spender? investor?)
8. What are you most proud of about yourself?
9. What social issue would you be willing to die for? Spend your life working on?
10. What type of things annoy you?

Are these questions helping you to uncover things you didn't know?

Let's go deeper...

11. Financially, what shape are you in? Do you have credit card debt? Do you have savings?
Men, could you support a wife and family at this point, or might your wife need to work for a while?
12. What is your Love Language (Quality time, Words of affirmation, Physical touch, Acts of service, or Receiving gifts)?
13. In terms of characteristics, traits, tendencies, and habits, what do you have to offer to a marriage partner? For example, I'm not too proud to apologize. I make it a point to be the first to say I was wrong.
14. What characteristics do you have that may hinder a long-term commitment? (For example, selfishness, lack of self-control, an addiction, etc.)
15. What do you need in a spouse? Want? Absolutely require? Nice to have?
16. Do you possess any of these proven factors of a success relationship: Open, honest communication; commitment to work; selflessness; forgiveness; consideration; compromise; self-care, nurture?
17. What do you value?
18. What emotional "baggage" do you possess?
19. Sexually speaking, describe your appetite/expectations.
20. What do you like about yourself? Love about yourself? Dislike? Regret?

Here are even more questions:

21. Where do you see yourself next year? In five years? In ten years?
22. If you want to have children, what is your vision for them? What characteristics would you want them to possess as adults (For example, to be kind, giving, the best at their vocation, healthy and financially prosperous)?
23. What role would you like to have as a husband? Wife? What's your view on traditional gender roles?
24. Do you feed/nurture yourself regularly? How?
25. If any, what are your hobbies? What do you do for fun?
26. What are you good at?
27. Lifestyle: Describe your grooming habits? How long does it take you to get dressed? How often do you typically bathe? Brush your teeth?
28. Childrearing: How were your disciplined as a child? What's your opinion on time out? Spanking?
29. Spirituality: How do you define it? Are you religious? How important is it that your mate share your beliefs?

30. Are you an employee or entrepreneur? Or both? To what extent?

I support you and I wish you the best!
Myisha

PS: I leave you with resources I received from friends:

Creative Conversation Suggestions for Dating

- Page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
54 Creative and Constructive Dating Ideas

- Page 1, 2, 3.

Orientation (No, not that one)

Let me ask you a question? What is your orientation to life? To events that happen in life?

Well, what is orientation? Answers.com say it's:

-The direction followed in the course of a trend, movement, or development
-A tendency of thought; a general inclination
-One's place and direction relative to one's surroundings; bearings, location, position
-The ascertainment of one's true position, as in a novel situation, with respect to attitudes, judgments, etc.
-An integrated set of attitudes and beliefs
-A usually general or lasting direction of thought or inclination

I was raised around people who constantly spoke, sang, and all but bragged about what they were "going through." It was as if they were super humans because they endured uncontrollable turmoil to which someone subjected them. Well, in 32 years of life, I've come to see that one's orientation to life, one's prevailing perspective, translates into one's daily experience. If your integrated set of attitudes and beliefs is that life is full of proverbial "storms", then guess what 's bound to happen? Storms.

Some people's thought pattern is that of a recording artist I heard on the radio. He said "At any given time, you're in one of three places. You just came out of a storm, are in one now, or about to go into one." Worse than that was the audience cheering in the background.

How could I have a life of victory, which God intends for humanity, if I'm ever looking up the road anticipating the next round of heartache? Fahgitabbouit! I expect to win. My God always causes me to triumph. Why not be so "distracted" by where you're going that you, literally, have no time to regard drama.

Don't misread me, my love! Far be it from me to suggest that one can live trouble free. Nah, nah, nah! What I'm saying is that you owe it to yourself to 1) discover and document your orientation, and 2) precisely define what "storms" you're experiencing. Are you reaping what you've sown? Is it a misunderstanding? Is someone being malicious? Remember Ella's song, Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall? That's within reason. But, C'mon babe! Is this overwhelmingly the case for you? Is someone hating on you at all times? Do you climb the rough side of the mountain every day? Then stop giving it radio play. :) Don't speak of what you don't want and what you won't do. What do you want? I know you're glad you don't look like where you've come from, but what do you look like? Where are you going?

See how long you can go without complaining how bad things are for you. Can you go a whole day without referring to your "trials and tribulations"? I dare ya. :)

Beloved, a change in your orientation necessitates a change in speech. I've met people who's orientation is towards:

pain
struggle
problems
suffering
defeat
enduring
getting by
victimhood
hardship
brokenness
being broke (financially)
offense/being offended
going through (hell)
helplessness

However, try on for size these words to describe your orientation to life.

Progress
Promise
Prevail
Plenty
Wholeness
Victory
Solutions
Overcoming
Foresight
Conquering
Focus

On your side,

Myisha

PS, I dedicate this post to two very nice people I've recently met: Pastors Andrae and Sandra Crouch. A brief interaction with Pastor Sandra reinforced my orientation to progressiveness.

The Vision - Time & Money

Time and money: How do I relate to these resources entrusted to me? Simple. I designate them for the word designation suggests purpose and intention. My time is approached in light of the vision I've created for the year, which is ultimately part and parcel of why I breathe. And my money? Nope. I do not use the B word (“bills”). I decide and design where it will go and how it'll work for me.

I have a surprise! I'll share my Vision3.5.7: three elements of redemption, five years in the making, and seven children's picture books. I'm not a salesperson, nor advisor but based on intense work with my life coach, I've come up with a system to make it happen. You're welcome to use the no-fail documents in my system for your own To Wishin' and dreams.

Step 1 is the To Wishin' Layout, or my down payment on the Vision. I call it the Prophetic Twitter since I proclaim exactly what I will do in the next three years. It's all about TIME.

Step 2, the Dollar Designation, is where I see where my dollars are designated each month. It's all about MONEY. Mostly it's true, but I've changed a few figures to make a point.

Step 3 is the Payday Principal. By inserting a Dollar Designation total, and giving myself wiggle room for other funds, I see how much money is needed each pay date for the whole year. It's all about TIME and MONEY.

Guess what? I don't use the J word either ("job"), which is why Step 3 excites me. I can decide the minimum time I should work in my profession to meet that pay date's total. Therefore, I'm free to devote the maximum amount of time doing what matters: nurturing myself, connecting with those who nurture, counsel, and celebrate me, as well as writing. My Vision3.5.7 moves from five years, to three years, down to each month, and finally to periods of two weeks. The vision literally decides my everyday life. Here is Step 1, Step 2, and Step 3 for you.

May you be richly blessed, strengthened and encouraged.

I'm for you,
Myisha

To Wishin'

I believe I was 6 years old when I heard Uncle William talking about tuition. He said something like, "Tuition at that school costs an arm and a leg." What I heard was "to wishin.'" I reasoned that in order to go to college one had to pay money towards wishin.' At that age it made sense to invest money as a down payment on one's dreams. Four degrees later, thankfully, I only had to pay tuition for grad school. Yet included in the tuition were no plans for to wishin'. I don't recall being taught to dream and design a life in which they must come to pass.

This year the universe reminded me that I saw it this way. I've since embraced that this is how I'm wired. In many aspects of my life I could come out of an inconvenient or sorrowful place because I put something in front of me to run towards. I set joy before me. I invested in to wishin.' Today I'm living in redemption from childhood sexual abuse (CSA) because I imagined a day when I would be free of shame. I exist, not merely surviving, but thriving because I expect a wonderful marriage to a great man, and to become the matriarch who raises the foundation of many generations!

In the words of Diana Ross, "Do you know where you're going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to? Do you know?

I wouldn't mind if you called me a To Wishin' expert. It's ok. :) This past year I've devoted long hours to introspection. I sit and wish. I recline and plan. I jog and dream. I spa and write it out. Want me to share my dreams with you? It would be my pleasure. Stay tuned...

I'm for you!
Myisha